


It’s a Fragile Thing (This Life We Lead)

by ohstardustgirl



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Love, Non-Explicit Sex, Romance, Separation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-18 22:42:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22001035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohstardustgirl/pseuds/ohstardustgirl
Summary: Cassian doesn’t come home from a mission, and it might be the push Jyn needs to admit how she feels.Rebelcaptain Secret Santa gift (prompt: Reunion) for @incognitajones! Happy holidays!
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 10
Kudos: 174





	It’s a Fragile Thing (This Life We Lead)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ephemera (incognitajones)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/incognitajones/gifts).



If Jyn could stop time at that moment she would, just to keep looking at him a little longer and know that he is safe and close. She watches Cassian load up his shuttle and a feeling of dread, like an itch at the back of her mind, refuses to be ignored. As if he can hear her thoughts Cassian looks back over his shoulder at her and gives her a half smile that almost makes her worries melt away. 

“I’ll be back in a few days,” he says as he throws his bag onto the shuttle before turning fully towards her. “And K-2 will watch my back.”

“It’s Coruscant. K-2 won’t even be able to leave the ship.” She regrets how petulant and concerned she sounds as soon as the words leave her mouth. What right does she have to burden him with her concerns?

“Still,” he says in a low voice, as he steps into her personal space in a way that no one else ever dared. “He’ll be my eyes and ears. I know what I’m doing, Jyn. Besides, aren't you heading out with Solo soon?"

She rolls her eyes at the thought of her upcoming mission with the smuggler. "Don't remind me. I'll probably be leaving as soon as you get back."

Something like disappointment passes over his features in the slightest crinkle of his brow. In the few months since Scarif this would be the first mission he would work without her. Something to do with one of his Imperial identities, something she can't help with. Her stomach flips as Cassian reaches out to take her hand in his. Their matching callouses are a sign of mirrored lives, something that still surprises her. He is dressed in a dark leather jacket that makes him look dangerous and dashing, just when she thought he couldn’t be any more beautiful. Twenty years of abandonment issues were at war with her need to kiss him and to keep him close and safe. They are friends, partners, comrades. She thinks they might be more, as long as time stretches out ahead of them to endlessly tease them with the illusion that there will always be another chance to say and act on their feelings. As long as there is a tomorrow there is time to wait.

 _Don’t go_ , she wants to say, _I have a bad feeling about this_. “Be back soon, yeah?”

He nods and his intense gaze never leaves hers. “As soon as I can.”

Cassian pulls her hand in his against his chest. She can feel his heart beating through her palm and the background noise and activity of Crait's dark hangar disappears until all that is left is the two of them. Cassian’s tongue quickly wets his bottom lip, and he seems to be almost about to say something, and then -

“If you’re quite finished, we are behind schedule.”

With K-2’s voice from behind, the bubble bursts and all of the noise and activity of the hangar comes rushing back like a flood. Jyn is reluctant to pull her hand back but soon Cassian is stepping away. He holds her gaze until he has no choice but to turn to climb onto the shuttle where K-2 is already strapped in and waiting.

Jyn clutches at her crystal, as if holding on to it will let it absorb the feeling of Cassian's heartbeat that she had felt under her palm. As his ship takes off, she buries her worry deep down and forces herself to be a soldier instead of a confused young woman for a few hours, until night comes and there is nothing else to distract her from the feeling of _want_.

"What do you mean you left Cassian behind on Coruscant?" Jyn's heart pounds in her throat as she stares up at K-2SO. Everyone else in the dark briefing room - Mothma and Draven - watches her carefully and Jyn is more than a little embarrassed by the wobble in her voice. She curls her hands into fists and digs her nails into the skin of her palms to steady herself. It had been three days since Cassian had left, and all of her patience was used up.

"I mean I left him behind. On his orders. He initiated protocol 72-a: the preservation of vital data over one's own safety. He was able to upload the Imperial security codes to the ship, but due to interference was unable to return to the ship himself." The droid speaks slowly as if to a child and Jyn’s blood boils.

"Why didn't you wait for him?"

"His identity had been uncovered, no thanks to you and your Scarif madness," K-2 speaks with more disdain than a droid should be able to muster. He would never forgive Jyn for his destruction, even if his new body was a better model. "Cassian was recognised and was being hunted by both Imperials and mercenaries. They were about to lock down the space port where I was docked. There was a 98.2% chance of the ship being boarded and the stolen data being discovered. Cassian gave the right order."

Jyn wants to argue but no words come. It wasn't K-2SO's fault. It was the type of ridiculous order that Cassian would give: get the data as far away from the Imperials as possible even if it meant leaving him behind to be hunted like an animal. He would give his life for this Rebellion and she isn't entirely sure that it would do the same for him.

"I need to go there, with back-up." She demands, chin high. The urge to fight makes adrenaline run hot in her veins.

"No. The city is still on high alert," Draven says. "Which is a good sign that they haven't found him yet."

"Jyn, we are monitoring the situation. As soon as the coast is clear we will send a team back to assist Major Andor.” Mothma's voice is gentle, but gives no room for argument. Jyn chews the inside of her cheek. She had disobeyed Mothma to go to Scarif, but had since developed a grudging respect for the senator's reasoning. Still, she wasn’t ready to give up yet.

"We can't just leave Cassian behind. He's not disposable. Every hour we wait just puts him at greater risk."

"Major Andor knows what he's doing. He's resourceful, and if caught he will take the necessary measures to ensure the safety of the Alliance." The lack of emotion in Draven's voice was chilling. Jyn knew he was pragmatic, not unfeeling or heartless, but sometimes she wondered if these decisions were really as difficult for him as she thought.

She feels sick. She knows what 'necessary measures' mean for a spy. Before she can embarrass herself and lose her temper further she spins on her heel without saluting and storms from the room. Damn Draven and Mothma, and damn her own safety. She had defied them before to save the galaxy and she could do it again to save Cassian. She marches to her quarters, a plan half forming in her mind. She would pack a bag, take a ship, and go to Coruscant and then - well, her mind was practically whited out with anger and fear and she couldn't think clearly beyond that. There was a heavy, sick feeling in her stomach and her hands shook as she pulled her backpack from it’s locker at the foot of her narrow bunk. She was resourceful, she would come up with something once she got there. 

As she stuffs her belongings into her bag, she thinks of Cassian lying on a medical bed on Yavin IV, dark circles under his eyes as he lay there deathly still. He hadn’t moved in days, not since he had given her one last smile before his heart had given out on the transport that had saved them on Scarif. She had sat beside his bed, dazed and broken because the plans were missing and it had all been for nothing, and all she could think about was whether to stay or run away. As soon as Cassian’s eyes had fluttered open, as soon as he had smiled tiredly at her, she knew she couldn’t leave. It terrifies her that her hopes for a peaceful future rested more on his presence and safety than she had ever been able to admit to herself before.

“What are you doing?” Kay’s voice made her jump back to the present and she spun to see him towering in the door way, blocking out the bright light from the hall. His new body was more battered and scraped than the first one she had known, yet it was still a newer version than his original chassis. Cassian's eyes had been alight on Yavin when he told her about K-2's back up, and finding a new body for him had been one of their very first missions together.

“I’m going to Coruscant,” she recovers from the surprise and closes up her bag, hauling it over her shoulder. “You should come, I could use the back-up.”

The droid seems to get even taller. “You’re not going anywhere.”

“Are you going to stop me? Lock me in my room or throw me in the brig? I’m going to help Cassian. He’s your best friend.”

“I am aware of my relationship with Cassian, which is why I am particularly determined to follow his last instruction to me.”

“Which was?”

“To take care of you. To ensure your safety. Which is also the instruction he gave me prior to Scarif. Once was an anomaly. Twice is the beginning of a pattern, and patterns mean reason. Given this sudden change in behaviour since first meeting you, his infatuation with your safety, desire for your proximity, and increased heart rate and pupil dilation in your presence, my statistical analysis indicates that the most likely explanation is that he is in love with you.”

Jyn is plunged under water. She can't hear the background noises of the ship, just her own pulse thundering in her ears like the rushing of a waterfall. Her mouth goes so dry she thinks she might choke on her own tongue and her legs go numb. She stares dumbly at K-2SO.

“Obviously as a droid I am not familiar with the feeling of love, however I understand its impact on human behaviour. I believe there is some sort of human romantic desire to protect potential mates for the purposes of procreation. Or perhaps his near death on Scarif drove him insane. Does this seem like an accurate assessment of Cassian’s behaviour?”

Jyn's cheeks burn. Cassian was in love with her. And until that very moment she had never allowed herself to acknowledge the truth: she is in love with him, too. She has no point of reference for romantic love and no understanding of what it might feel like until that very moment. Her mind suddenly opens and a rush of adrenaline floods her body from head to toe. She swallows hard and clears her throat.

“We still have to find him.” She says with a tremor in her voice. "We have to try."

“No, we don’t, Jyn. I will keep my word to Cassian. There is a 97.2% chance of death or capture if you approach Coruscant. But the odds of Cassian escaping alive are 87.9%.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“No, it has nothing to do with your feelings. It’s a valid explanation for why going to Coruscant is pointless. And also you were right,” he cocks his head. “If you attempt to defy this logic, I will lock you in this room.”

K-2SO leaves the room without further comment and the door remains open behind him so that the light from the hallway lands on her once more like a spotlight. Jyn drops her bag to the floor, slaps the door control so it closes, and sits heavily down on her bunk. The galaxy feels very big, and a part of her is lost out there in the darkness.

Trapped under Kay’s watchful eye, Jyn feels the walls of the cave closing in on her with every moment that she is stuck on Crait. That first night was restless and sleep eluded her. Cassian had never shared her bed, so why was that where she missed him the most?

 _Becauseit’s where you always wanted him the most when he was within reach but you were too much of a fool to do anything about it._ Tired and foul-tempered she chases the thought away to the place where she hides her oldest hurts, buried beneath a scowl. Solo was waiting for her at the Falcon. At least a mission and Han’s recklessness would be a decent distraction.

Two weeks pass, and still no sign of Cassian. Jyn’s heart sinks as she hangs up on the Millennium Falcon’s comms after getting an update from K-2. There had been no Imperial chatter, nothing to indicate he had been captured, and nothing from him or any of his contacts. She stretches out in the co-pilot’s chair with an ice pack on her knee. She had been right, and the mission with Solo had been a decent distraction mostly due to his blind recklessness, but in the quiet moments - and when a Stormtrooper had been holding a blaster to her head - her thoughts still turned to Cassian.

“Still nothing, kid?”

It was a sign of how distressed she is that she didn’t realise Han had been listening to her conversation. She is too tired to be annoyed.

“I was just checking. Need to find out if my usual partner is back or not so I don’t have to do any more suicide missions with you.”

Han snorts. “Sure, kid. That’s all there is to it. It’s not like you’ve been a miserable pining mess since Andor missed his ride home.”

Jyn chews her cheek to hold back an insult but some bitterness still lingers. “He’s a friend, I realise it’s hard for you to understand what that might mean since there's no credits involved.”

“Don’t get snippy with me, you were never the warm and cuddly type yourself back in the day when you were cheating at cards and swiping credits from unsuspecting smugglers," Han sits down across from her, taking up as much room as he can with spread arms and legs. "Except with Andor. Is it so hard to admit that you like the guy? Because it’s pretty obvious that he likes you.”

Jyn stews in silence for a long moment, and plucks at the ice pack (which she wouldn’t need at all had Han not hit the detonator 30 seconds too early) as she picks her words. She needs to be honest for once, because keeping these things inside is starting to eat her alive and she is frightened that the hollow place inside of her will swallow her whole. “People like us... we don’t get happy endings. Eventually everyone leaves.”

Han is silent for a moment, unusually so. “Yeah. They do. It’s sure nice to have ‘em for a while though.” He snorts. “But what do I know, kid? I’m a gambler. When I was your age I took the risk. It didn’t pay off, but that doesn’t mean it was wrong.”

Jyn excuses herself and goes to her lonely bunk. Sleep comes, but it is restless. She dreams she is at the top of the tower on Scarif, with the man in white staring her down with his blaster. The moment of waiting for him to fire drags out interminably. Cassian never appears. The man in white never fires, but they are both swallowed up in the burning cloud of heat and sea and sand. When she wakes, Jyn allows herself to admit that she is love with Cassian Andor.

Two more weeks pass, this time with no missions to distract her and nothing to sustain her but a hope that fades a little every day. Her blood burns with a restless fever that makes it impossible to sit still. Her head is dizzy and clouded from sleepless nights. Jyn does whatever she can to burn off energy and pass time - she spars too roughly, she haunts the comms desk hoping for coded messages and Cassian’s voice. But that feeling of waiting, waiting for Cassian to return or for news that he never would, never seems to fade. He is a ghost always behind her shoulder, her first thought on waking and all she can see when she closes her eyes at night.bg She almost hugs Draven when he finally offers her a mission, and that fact alone makes her worry for her own sanity. She rushes to the shuttle Cassian had never returned on and readies it for flight.

"You are not going to Coruscant," Kay's voice from behind makes her jump.

"You're right, Kay, I'm not. Like you said, it's too dangerous. So I'm going to Garel, to collect something, and I'm coming straight back." She tosses her bag onto the shuttle deck and turns to the droid.

"I will accompany you."

A little shock of emotion washes over Jyn at Kay's concern. She hides it by hauling herself up onto the deck and looking down on the droid. "You've done your job Kay. Cassian will be proud. I'll be fine. And besides, one of us needs to be here in case he gets back."

"It's not that," Kay straightens, seemingly annoyed at having to look up at her. "You're a terrible pilot. You need me if you want to land in one piece."

Jyn rolls her eyes and hits the door close button, no longer feeling the warmth of emotion. "I'll be back in a few days, Kay."

Garel is a dump, a stinking lawless spaceport on a mostly uninhabitable swampy wasteland of a moon. _Mos Eisley without the sunshine_ , she thinks as she snakes through the crowds of pirates and traders, her boots catching in the mucky ground beneath. The presence of Stormtroopers, who should have no authority there, makes her nervous and she feels as if she's being watched. A great big Devaronian almost sends her spinning when he bumps her shoulder and it takes every ounce of self-control she has not to spit in their face and pull her blaster. She can't afford the attention, can't even afford to pull her hood down from her face. Her mood is foul, her hope is faded, and the damp chilly atmosphere has frozen her down to her bones. The sooner she picks up the datastick from her contact the better, so she can get back to her ship. She'll still be miserable but at least she can be warm and dry. As she turns off from the main market to go down the back streets, a shiver passes through her and she glances back over her shoulder. If someone is following her, they're subtle. She takes a few detours before she no longer feels eyes on her back.

The meeting is quick and the contact is blessedly untalkative, just the way Jyn likes it. Within minutes the precious stick of data is tucked into her breast pocket and she is heading back towards her ship. By then it has started to rain in earnest, and traders and punters alike begin to run for cover dragging their belongings out of the way before the mucky ground becomes impassable. Her relief at the briefness of the meeting fades as she fights to walk on sticky mud uphill towards where her shuttle is landed, blindingly heavy rain making it hard to breathe and somehow finding its way beneath her clothes and defeating even her favourite boots and she has to clamber up into the ship without even bothering to lower the ramp, just to get out of the rain faster.

As soon as she slaps the button to close the door behind her, still on her knees, she knows someone is on the ship and she whirls with her blaster raised as the lights come to life.

There, dripping with rain and more beautiful than ever, is Cassian Andor. Jyn's heart jumps into her throat and everything around her - the hammering of the rain against the shuttle, the coldness of her bones and the water running down her back - disappears and the world narrows only to him. 

"Cassian, how?"

"I've been trying to get home," he holds out his arms as if in apology. His eyes are so dark and he stares at her so intently as if he is drinking her in, as if he had been as lost without her as she had without him. Rain drips from his hair down his face. "I had to lay low on Coruscant for a while, I finally hitched a ride on a cargo ship, pulled in a few favours until I got this far. I was-" 

Jyn lunges at him, cutting him off, wraps her arms around him and nearly lifts herself off her feet with the force of her embrace. He smells of ozone and rain, and she buries her face against his shoulder. He is soaking wet too, his clothes strange and dark and his beard longer than his usual scruff. Cassian's arms slip around her, tightly, clutching, just like what should have been their last moments alive on Scarif just before the ship had saved them. She feels his lips press against her hair and the last few weeks seem like a bad dream.

"I thought I'd never see you again," she mutters into his shoulder, and it feels like a huge weight is lifted just to admit that fear out loud for the first time in weeks and to not have to pretend that her hope had been strong enough.

"I was trying to get to a safe house, somewhere I could reach out securely. I'm sorry, Jyn." His voice is a whisper against her hair and a rumble against her chest, and he clings so tightly she wonders if they'll break each other. She lets herself hold tight to him, clutching at his jacket, long enough to take a deep breath and memorise the feel of him against her. She has no control as she is stuck in his orbit. All the things she wanted to say over the last three weeks - all the things she found herself wishing she had said, the dreams of the future she wanted with him - crowd in her throat. Her tongue is too big for her mouth. The galaxy outside ceases to exist.

“Kay missed you,” her voice cracks, but she has to say something to relieve the pressure building in her chest, the need to turn her feelings into words. “He’s been a nightmare.”

A soft chuckle is her reward and her stomach flutters. 

“I wouldn’t expect any less.”

“Why did you do it? Why tell Kay to keep me from going after you?”

“Because I knew you would have tried to find me, and I didn’t want to put you at risk.”

“I wanted to come after you,” Jyn pulls back but stays in his arms because she can't bear not to be this close to him.  
“That should have been my choice."

"I won't be responsible for you getting hurt, Jyn." Cassian shakes his head but doesn’t look away.

"But I don't want to do this without you!" she shouts, surprising herself with her own passion. "I've lost everyone else, I can't lose you too."

Cassian takes her face in his hands, his fingers red and cold. He closes the gap between them, quicker than a shadow, and kisses her.

Jyn's heart hits hyperspace speeds. Cassian’s lips are warm and soft and the tip of his nose is cold against her cheek. She grabs the front of his jacket to hold him in place. Every inch of her body lights up. He holds her face so gently. Her blood is on fire when his lips part beneath hers, her knees weak when his tongue carefully touches her own. She had allowed herself to imagine this moment many times in the few months since they had met - even in those early days before Scarif, those long flights to Jedha and back - and it is even better than her dreams.

He pulls away breathlessly, still cradling her face. His dark eyes twinkle under the ship's lighting. Rain drips from his hair, and her own. There are so many things they need to say, so many words building up in her throat with her insecurities standing guard to stop them from being spoken into truth. There is time now, and even though she is angry at his choice to risk himself, a smile splits her face - there is time again! 

"It's freezing," she says as she loosens her grip of his jacket and his hands slip down to her shoulders. "Let's get changed and get this ship in the air, yeah?"

He nods, and smiles so beautifully that she forgets her anger and the misery of the last few weeks. It is still there, simmering under the surface, but he is safe and alive and here right now. There is a tomorrow for them again, but now she understands how it feels to regret time wasted. 

The shuttle only has a small basic fresher which is barely big enough to turn around in, and no other private spaces. Her bed has been a bedroll on the floor. She grabs towels from the locker over her head and tosses one to Cassian, watches as he dries his dark hair while she unties her muddy boots and throws them into a corner. Adrenaline or relief drives her next move and she strips out of her wet clothes in full view of Cassian. The fabric is heavy and sopping and she feels reborn when it is removed. When she is standing in nothing but her vest and underwear the cold air hits her damp skin and she shivers. Cassian's expression is hungry as he strips out of his jacket, pulls off the strange dark civilian shirt and loose trousers he must have picked up to change his appearance. His body is exposed to her: a little too slim from weeks on the run and bearing the marks of more than one recent fight. Jyn frees her hair from it's tie and squeezes the rain from it and the water drips down her vest. Cassian's tongue darts out to lick his bottom lip and her knees go weak. 

She should use the towel and dry herself - change into warm clothing, start the ship, start the journey home. But he's looking at her like he wants to devour her and Jyn can't help how her eyes roam over him or how her feet carry her towards him. There are things that need to be said, yes, but also things that need to be done. They meet in a crash and the cold dampness of their skin is forgotten in the heat that they generate by pressing their flesh together. The last layer of clothing separating them is as wide as the distance of the last few weeks and they tear at each other to remove it. Jyn shivers when they are bare against each other and devour each other with kisses. Her blunt nails drag down his spine when he lays her down onto the bedroll. He groans when she wraps her legs around his hips and grinds against him. His mouth leaves a trail of fire along her collarbone, over her breasts, and she whimpers when he mouths at her hips. There is time for more later, there will be a tomorrow when they can explore each other fully, but she will fly away without him to hold her down right now. She flips him easily and kisses him soundly as his hands roam over her. Her blood is burning and her arousal is agony, beyond a physical need and something emotional, spiritual, begging for release. He sits up as she takes him and they both sigh with the relief of it. Time stops. Jyn holds his face and stares into his eyes. She loves him. He loves her. Someday soon she will tell him so. For now it is enough to show him. She begins to move, and all conscious thought stops.

Afterwards they lie in sated silence with blankets pulled up around their shoulders to keep the cold air away from their damp bodies and they find warmth in their embrace. The rain batters down on the outside of the ship. The act of getting up, getting dressed, and getting the ship off this planet is a distant responsibility that Jyn is happy to ignore for as long as possible in order to stretch out this moment. 

"All I've ever known is war. The next mission, the value of information over my own life. And I couldn't live with myself if you were hurt because of me." Cassian's voice is a rumble where her head rests on his chest.

"You can't always protect me, Cassian."

"I can try."

"No," Jyn raises her head to look at him. "We're in this together, we're equals."

Cassian sighs and takes her hand to press it against his lips. "I can't promise I won't be taken from you, Jyn. We're at war, I'd be selfish to promise it and you would be a fool to believe it. But I can promise that I will always do everything in my power to get back to you."

"That's enough for me," A weight lifts from her and there is a light in the darkness. She smiles and says the words that once made her heart skip a beat. "Welcome home."


End file.
